


Transitive

by MonsterBoyf



Series: VIXX is Trans [1]
Category: VIXX
Genre: "can i kiss you" trope, Anxious Taekwoon, First Dates, Fluff, M/M, Mentioned dysphoria, Past Cha hakyeon | N/Jung Taekwoon | Leo - Freeform, Past Lee Jaehwan | Ken/Jung Taekwoon | Leo, Trans AU, Trans Masc Characters, just pure fluff, mentioned depression, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:09:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24652096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonsterBoyf/pseuds/MonsterBoyf
Summary: Taekwoon really doesn't want to ruin his date- I mean, he seems so sweet!- but he can't keep himself a secret.
Relationships: Jung Taekwoon | Leo/Kim Wonshik | Ravi
Series: VIXX is Trans [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1963759
Comments: 13
Kudos: 50





	Transitive

**Author's Note:**

> THE TRANS AU IS FINALLY HERE
> 
> This is my child i love it so dearly, even if it shifted in concept a few times. Originally, it was going to be keo. Really i owe a lot of this universe to boysquipleurent, who helped me create a world outside of just Wontaek. Thank you so much bro uwu
> 
> Haken are briefly mentioned but never explored in depth (in this installment) so I'll just put up front that Hakyeon is agender and Jaehwan is genderfluid.
> 
> Queer is used as a reclaimed slur in this, if that bothers you.

“Yes, I’ll come rescue you if he ends up being a dick but until then you need to put the phone down and actually _enjoy_ your date instead of talking to me.” Taekwoon sighed and Hakyeon’s scolding. He was sitting at a dinner table, one of a grand total of two patrons, alone. He had checked his watch about forty times this entire call with Hakyeon, and gone through two glasses of water already.

“I’m not enjoying anything. He’s late.” 

“By how long?” Another look at the simple black watch on his thin wrist.

“... five minutes.”

“Darling,” Hakyeon managed to chastise in a single word. “Five minutes is excusable. He could easily just be in traffic, or getting out of his car as we speak.”

“But what if he found out somehow?” Hakyeon sighed.

“Taeky, I love you, I really do, but you’re paranoid. Unless you told him, there’s no way he would have figured anything out. You’re going to make this date suck for yourself if you keep thinking of the worst possible scenario.” Taekwoon sunk into his seat a little, fixing the salt and pepper packets in their little bowl. Hakyeon was right.

“I guess…”

“You know I’m right. Now, take a deep breath, pick up that chin, send him a little text, and have a nice time on your date. You can do this without me, Taeky.”

“You’ll still answer just in case?” Hakyeon softened. He could just see the elder nodding and smiling softly at him in a certain paternal manner. 

“Yes, dear. Good luck.” 

Taekwoon did not go on dates, much less dates with the people he didn’t know. His entire friend group was exes at this point though. Hakyeon was more of a fling than anything, but that point was mute. It was short lived and ages ago in college, when they were roommates and Hakyeon hadn’t come out yet. That was spurred on by the third part of their group, Jaehwan, or Ken-doll as he jokingly called himself on stage. Queers always stuck together, it was only a matter of time before the two rubbed off on Hakyeon.

That queerness, the certifiable abnormality, is what was making Taekwoon tap his foot at rapid speed and go through water like it was the air he breathed. He knew what he was risking, finding some stranger on an app and not wearing his pride flag so blatantly on his profile. There was a habit, in the larger communities, to try and push trans people out of it. This guy seemed nice, but how nice would he be when he found out? How nice would he be when he found out they weren’t packing the same things? When, or if, he saw the scars running across Taekwoon’s chest connecting to his sternum tattoo? God forbid if he made it to the point of taking Taekwoon’s jeans off. It was nerve wracking, to think about what he’d have to admit and possibly face to get close to anyone. _Just put it in your profile_ Jaehwan told him with a roll of his eyes, like he didn’t grasp what the issue was. Taekwoon remained stagnant in his thoughts however. He was a man, regardless of the adjectives that came before that. He had worked for years to be as passable as he sought, as comfortable as possible. He had the privilege to be seen as a man at first glance, and he didn’t owe any stranger a confession. He didn’t owe anyone an admittance that he changed from what he was. His younger self might have argued. That girl with her soft cheeks and long hair tucked haphazardly into a hat. She might have insisted that he never hide what he was, that he had to tell every person he met exactly what he had gone through and why it hurt to have that feminization rubbed onto him; but, he wasn’t hiding. He wasn’t ashamed or scared of his own identity, he was just more than it. He was an actor, he was a writer, he was a pretty shitty painter, he was gay man. His transness was not all he was, and just like his terrible half finished paintings, he could choose to mention that part of him or not. 

Taekwoon jumped, when he saw sneakers suddenly in his vision. Instead of the polite words of the waitress, he got heavy breathing and a rapid fire apology. 

“I am so sorry I’m late! Please forgive me! I was walking here and I thought I knew the way so I took a wrong turn and then I got lost and I kind of panicked and I debated asking some stranger for help for way too long and then she finally pointed me the right way so I got here as fast as I could.” Taekwoon blinked. The speed of the apology meant it needed a moment of processing. Certainly a whirlwind of a man. 

This was definitely the one from the dating app. He stood tall, and obviously bigger and meatier than Taekwoon was. His hair was dyed red, and it looked like he had attempted to push it back, but loose strands dangled in his eyes. His cheeks were a little flush, probably from the running here. 

“You walked here?” Taekwoon asked, kind of stupidly. It was the one detail his brain stuck on. He nodded, sitting down like a little boy ashamed of doing something wrong. It was a little cute.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I just live close by and I try to walk when I can. I thought I knew the way better than my phone, thought I could get here faster, y’know?” Taekwoon nodded softly. His nervous smile was very nice, lopsided and cute. Taekwoon knew he liked his smile the second he saw his profile. There, it was cheeky, a little playful and smug. His eyes and nose crinkled with his smile naturally. 

“I live on the other side of town.” Taekwoon was pisspoor at small talk. Wonshik shifted in his seat, adjusting. He sat with his hands between his legs, leaning in like they were conspiring. It made him seem smaller than he was. 

“Really? Where at?” He quickly realized how that sounded. “Not in a creepy way! I wasn't asking for your address or something weird. I-” Taekwoon smiled.

“I live by the library.” Wonshik nodded. 

“I went there a lot as a kid.”

“You’ve lived here that long?” He smiled and Taekwoon’s heart did a weird backflip feeling in his chest. He had great teeth, and his face was doing that subtle scrunch. Taekwoon gulped down some water.

“All my life. I moved a few times since high school but yeah. I used to live above a music store on the main road.” 

“Is it still there?”

“Yeah, he runs the shop with his daughter now, but he’s managed to hold onto it. I kinda hope he let some other family move into the apartment so he has another kid to pester him for lessons.” Wonshik laughed and Taekwoon smiled back, as minutely as he could manage. A full, cheek aching grin was saved for laughing until he cried, or the photo on his wall of him and Hakyeon, the other rereading the instructions for Taekwoon’s first testosterone shot. It was a very old photo. You could tell even if you were only going on Taekwoon’s soft features and curves. He didn’t like photos of himself before his medical transition, but that one was special. If the house were burning down, he felt strongly that it would be one of the things he’d grab running out of it. 

“Is that what got you into music?” Wonshik was very upfront in his profile. _Lyricist, softie, gym rat, ‘93_ . Taekwoon, in an admissible show of lack of self control, asked him about his job quickly. He loved playing piano or guitar as a kid. Not as much now, but there was still a spark in his eyes anytime he could talk the subject to death. _Oh, it’s not a big deal, I’m not writing songs for, like, Rihanna or something lol,_ he had explained. He finished a lot of his texts with a _lol_ . It made Taekwoon feel old when he realized how much he cringed at it. _Who do you write for then?_ Taekwoon shot back. Wonshik worked with a company that distributed his songs further than he could. The answer, simply, was lots of small artists. He was liked in the idol market, Taekwoon found out after a Google search long after their texting. He had a _ridiculous_ list of credits. How had he done so much when he was the same age as Taekwoon?

“I guess. I don’t know, I’ve always been drawn to it. Some people just have natural talents, they say.”

“How humble,” Taekwoon teased. He took a deep enjoyment in Wonshik’s shift of expression, embarrassed. 

“Ah, I didn’t mean to say it like that! I just meant- y’know- certain people are drawn to certain things naturally and-”

“I was teasing you, Wonshik.” Taekwoon stopped his rambling, softly reaching to touch his hand. He pulled away from the gesture quickly, a little thrown off at his own reflexes. Wonshik blinked before shrinking into himself, chuckling softly. 

“Ah, right, heh…” 

“An artist is allowed to be proud of themselves. It’s better than hating everything they do.” the waitress finally appeared. The two seemed to know each other, or at least had facial recognition. Wonshik must come here often. Taekwoon looked down to his phone as Wonshik ordered. _Guy showed up. Super cute and sweet so far_. Hakyeon would be pleased.

“Do you do any art then, Taekwoon?” Taekwoon licked his lips, shutting his phone off. 

“Depends on if you mean good or not.” Wonshik laughed and Taekwoon glared at the tabletop trying to get his flippant insides under control. 

“I think it’s pretty hard to make any art bad, it’s a matter of perspective.” 

“Anything I paint looks like a four year old made it.” 

“Hey, that’s better than a two year old.” Taekwoon actually snorted. The glass half full approach sounded so ridiculous he had to. A ridiculous level of optimism. 

“I guess.”

“What got _you_ into painting?” he thanked the waitress when she returned with his drink. It gave Taekwoon time to mull over his answer. The truth was, his therapist told him to get a hobby. Depression and dysphoria slowly took over his mind as he got older and older. The most he could do was sit in his bed under a mountain of blankets and unsuccessfully distract himself with whatever book he could scavenge. He was getting cabin fever trapped inside his own body. Since music wasn’t a road he wanted to dare look at anymore, his therapist had told him to get something to do, something to vent. He started painting. Most of them were certainly signs of an unhealthy mind, violent abstracts and pieces only he recognized as an attempt at gore or casual mutilation. It was a dark time, but they helped. It became a kind of crutch for him during college. 

He wasn’t going to dare mention his old crippling dysphoria now and possibly blow it all for himself, and talking about your depression and anxiety on a first date just didn’t seem like good etiquette, so he tried to forge something more palatable. 

“Depending on how you do it, it can be meditative.” Wonshik nodded. He was now leaning on the table on his elbows. He had strong arms that looked like they could be twice the size of Taekwoon’s. He fixed his sleeve.

“I get that. You get into the headspace of making something and everything else just goes away.” Taekwoon nodded softly, eyes still downcast. His watch seemed nice. “I mean, that’s the selling point of those adult coloring book things isn’t it?” Taekwoon made a face and Wonshik chuckled at it.

“I hate those.”

“Oh, me too. I feel like i’ve committed some act of high treason if I mess up or something, you know?” Taekwoon chuckled a little, nodding along. “And there’s always a million tiny details. Like, who is supposed to find that relaxing? You might as well be making bajillion piece puzzles.”

“No, my puzzles are much better, unless you’re only missing one piece.”

“Oh god I would hate that.” Taekwoon took another sip. 

“I would put them together with my grandmother and sisters as a kid. I remember her having to pull me out from under the table from sulking.”

“We would have gotten along as kids then. My parents always tease me for being over emotional then.” Taekwoon remembered the _softie_ on the profile. It made him raise a brow when he first saw it. Who advertises that? But after texting and the start of the date, it was very clear it was a very accurate descriptor, and adjacent to Taekwoon’s struggle. There were certainly quite a few who wouldn’t like to be “duped” by such a big strong guy being anything but your typical masc. Adjacent struggle, not the same struggle. The most he might get is a little scolding, or potentially rejection. Making the choice to advertise or not wasn’t threatening his life. 

“I was just quiet.”

“I guess neither of us have changed that much, huh?” Taekwoon simply had to snort at that one. It wasn’t even an intentional joke. Staying quiet and antisocial was about the only thing that didn’t change. 

“I guess not.” Wonshik made a pleased little noise as their food was brought to them.

“Your profile said you’re an actor?” There was a questioning lilt to his voice. Taekwoon meticulously stirred his soup while Wonshik took the toothpicks out of his sandwich. 

“Yes, I work with the community theater when I can get rehearsals to work with my schedule.” Wonshik wiped off his mouth with one of the napkins before speaking. Taekwoon felt an odd domestic sense inside of him to clean him up for him. 

“That’s so cool! I wish I would have seen you on stage before.”

“You like theater?”

“No.” Taekwoon laughed to himself. “But you seem super cool so far so it probably would have been awesome to see you perform. Then I'd know I was on a date with a local celebrity.” Taekwoon’s face suddenly felt a little hot. He pouted. 

“I’m no local celebrity.” Wonshik scoffed, reaching over and shoving his arm lightly, boyishly. Taekwoon had to tell his thumping heart to shut the fuck up. 

“Don’t be so modest! I’m sure you’re awesome, just like your paintings. You have to be proud of yourself, and not let anyone make you feel otherwise!” 

“You’re very optimistic, aren’t you?” Wonshik chuckled, nodding and ducking his head. 

“Yeah, yeah. Some people say it’s to a fault.” Taekwoon silently broke his crackers into his soup, mulling over his words.

“I wouldn’t go that far. It’s nice to hear someone be happy,” he mumbled. Wonshik made this odd kind of noise, like a flustered anime girl or something. He took a bite of his sandwich and though he ducked his head, Taekwoon thought he could see his cheeks get a little rosy.

* * *

“How about,” Taekwoon tilted his head up to the sky, considering the question he could ask Wonshik, “how about your worst date? And it doesn’t have to be sad.” They were walking the track of a park now. Once they had finished their food, Wonshik had asked if Taekwoon wanted to go somewhere. (“Not in a creepy way or like, as in let's go to your place, y’know? Like we could go to a store and pick up snacks for all I care. I swear I’m not that forward.”) Taekwoon offered a park in town. It was open, and usually had at least a few people milling around. Hard place to potentially end up getting murdered. 

Wonshik hummed to himself, shoving his hands in his pockets. His jeans fit his legs very nicely. 

“My funniest bad date story, huh? That would be a tough one.” 

“You go on that many dates?”

“No, I just have bad taste.” They laughed together, Taekwoon hiding his smile behind his hand. He felt like some victorian dandy acting so shy and lovesick while walking under the blooming trees with his beau. You couldn’t make this shit up. “Oh, I got one! Okay, so, when I was in high school, I was on the ultimate team.”

“Ultimate...?”

“Competitive frisbee, and yes I know, that’s the dorkiest thing you’ve ever heard. It’s serious business, though, and it’s how I met my best friend. You’re pretty hard pressed to find mixed gender team sports, and I refuse to get into golf.” Taekwoon held up his hands, chuckling to himself. 

“Alright, no teasing your frisbee days. Continue.”

“So there was this guy on the team, Jongin. Kind of lame, for an ultimate player that is, big dork. He was a little endearing though. He asked me to come over one day. Not like a “hang out” come over though, no it was a _hang out_ ,” Wonshik very intentionally winked at Taekwoon, “kind of come over.”

“And you said yes.”

“Yeah, I was lonely and a loser and I had known him for years so I thought it was better than nothing.”

“This sounds pretty average so far.” Taekwoon turned off the trail, onto a little temporary dock. The center of the park had a large fishing pond in it, thus the dock. Taekwoon simply stood, watching Wonshik talk. The younger leaned on the railing to continue his story. 

“I’m getting there. I go over to his house the next day to hang out with him like I said. It's a saturday and his parents are home so his plot of sneaking me away backfires.”

“Ah, teenage boys.” Wonshik laughs and nods.

“Yeah. But I’m cool with it because I've been over a few times and don’t mind playing some games with him. We run through a few levels of God of War before he says that we should watch a movie.”

“Uh-oh.” Wonshik laughs, nodding. Taekwoon is now certain that he would pay actual money to hear him laugh. He should find out his taste in comedy so he can hear more. 

“Uh-huh. About half way through, he leans in and puts his arm around my shoulder. A little cheesy but hey, I already knew he was a loser. Dorkiness can be cute too. We both turn to look at eachother and there’s that cliche little pause where you just stare at each other instead of just flat out asking for a kiss. He goes to lean in, but then, he suddenly gets this look on his face. I don’t even get to ask him what’s wrong before he fucking bolts. I’ve been on the same team as this boy for years, so you know I mean it when I say this is the fastest I’ve ever seen him run. He _sprints_ to the kitchen. You know what he’s doing? Throwing up.”

“No.”

“Yes! Hunched over it grabbing the rim and everything.” Wonshik mimes his hands, and makes a very unconvincing retching noise. It makes Taekwoon laugh, both Wonshik’s reproduction of the scene and the idea of a kiss going so terribly wrong. “So I come in and I pat his back, give him the whole drunk girl treatment. Eventually he just sinks down to the floor and I get him a paper towel to wipe off his mouth. As he’s laying there, he has the _audacity_ to tell me that I’m _so gross_ that he’d rather puke than kiss me!” the dock shakes as they both laugh at the end of the story. Taekwoon doesn’t cover his mouth this time, or stop his laugh from going into that wheezy squeak. Wonshik laughs right along with him in good humor. The crickets and frogs have started buzzing, now that the sun has sunk most of the way down. The remaining light in the park is fading, and the fireflies haven’t come out for the season yet. Taekwoon feels a strange pleasant buzz within himself. He feels.. Happy, oddly at peace, listening to Wonshik and being near him. It feels almost like a second home, like when he’s with Jaehwan or Hakyeon. It scares him a little. 

“What about you? Did you have any boys nearly throw up in your mouth at the idea of kissing you?” Taekwoon shakes his head, wiping his eyes that became watery from laughter. He put his hands into his coat pockets, looking down at the pond’s still water.

“Unfortunately, no. I don’t date.” Wonshik stood up proper, a puppy-like expression on his face. 

“Really?”

“No. I’m anxious around new people. Getting to know someone and sharing idiosyncrasies just makes me,” Taekwoon shook his hands, trying to find the words, “jittery. I date friends, or, I did. Then all my friends became exes.”

“That’s where I come in.”

“Yes, you talked to me first and seemed really sweet and didn’t want to immediately get into my pants, plus you look really nice. So I decided to just take a leap of faith before I turn out some kind of loveless spinstress with twelve cats.” Wonshik smiled, hands tucking back into his pockets. He rocked around and Taekwoon was again reminded of a cute little boy, this time a shy but pleased one. 

“You think I’m cute?”

“...fuck off.” Wonshik laughed and shoved Taekwoon’s arm again. Taekwoon jabbed him in the side as vengeance, smiling to himself when it extracted a giggle. 

“Don’t do that! I’m ticklish.”

“Don’t play the brat then.” Taekwoon couldn’t make himself sound as stern as he usually could. Not when he felt like he was going to melt. Not when he had to actively fight a smile big enough to hurt.

“Ohh, okay, sir,” Wonshik replied, obviously teasing. He giggled to himself. Taekwoon felt a little hot in the face. He jabbed the younger again, just for good measure. He whined, and it was adorable. 

“So I’m your first date in awhile?” Wonshik asked as they stepped off the dock, back onto the trail. Taekwoon nodded. “Am I doing good then?” Taekwoon smiled at him, raising a brow. 

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking that? You’re the one with experience.” Wonshik shrugged, a cute little lopsided smile on. 

“Self assessment, don’t want you going home and telling your friends how you had your first lousy date.” Taekwoon shook his head. 

“No, I wouldn’t do that,” he spoke softly. If anything, he was going to go home and immediately yell at both Jaehwan and Hakyeon about his date. He could easily see himself, kicking his feet and texting his friends like some teenage girl that just got back from her date with the football captain. 

“Just so you know, you’re doing great too. I’m enjoying this time together.” His tone was softer too, and he walked a little closer than he did before. He was close enough for Taekwoon to grab his hand. He held himself back.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Looking at Wonshik proved him to be looking right back at Taekwoon.There was a change in the air, the atmosphere between them. Taekwoon felt the distinct compulsion to lean over and give him a kiss. He looked like he would have nice lips to kiss, soft, pretty. Taekwoon clenched and relaxed his fists inside his pockets. They were a bit sweaty.

“You're a really nice guy, Taekwoon. It’s been really nice hanging out with you.” Taekwoon bit his lip briefly. 

“That’s not code for the date is over is it?” Wonshik didn’t laugh this time, just shook his head softly. Taekwoon didn’t notice they had stopped walking. 

“Not unless you want it to be. I would need a ride home then though.”

“What a freeloader,” Taekwoon quipped before his brain caught up with him. He meant it sarcastically, like he was teasing out of affection. Wonshik snorted before Taekwoon could stutter out an apology fast enough.

“You don’t expect me to walk all that way home, do you? Are you so cruel?” His tone was obviously teasing. Taekwoon had an urge to whine and stomp his feet. He felt so infuriatingly gay it wasn’t even funny. 

Wonshik stepped in, just one move to be a little closer to Taekwoon. The way he looked at Taekwoon when he moved in, he was sure the younger was trying for a kiss. It made Taekwoon’s heart immediately race in his chest. His feet moved for him, parrying Wonshik’s step. He only lasted a second more before looking away from Wonshik, ashamed of himself. He turned his body away, side to his date, and looked down at his loafers. Wonshik retreated as well, stepping back into his former position. Taekwoon was suddenly painfully aware of his physical body and that Wonshik was looking at him. He unintentionally curled into himself, ashamed. He felt approximately two inches tall and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Sorry…” He mumbled, picking at the watch on his wrist.

“Hey, it's no problem. I get it.” And that made Taekwoon’s skin itch from the inside out. He didn’t get it, and that was no fault of his own. Regardless, _he didn’t get it_. The boyish, friendly touch was enough, it was chaste enough. The romantic gesture, whether that’s what Wonshik intended or not, brought Taekwoon right back into awareness. He was a physical person. He had a body. Anything being done to that body reminded him that he hated it and that it wasn’t what his date was expecting. A kiss reminded him of his lips, their shape and size, how lithe and tiny he was as a whole. Touch meant he had to not only face his appearance, but do it with someone else. There was a stabbing feeling in his throat, like he was about to cry. He solidly refused, taking deep breaths and clutching his wrist tightly. Breaking down or freaking out could wait until he was home. Home alone behind thick walls no one could see or hear through and where no one could touch him. The forced awareness was going to make him spiral if he didn’t stop it. Wonshik was already awkward next to him. Taekwoon could feel it. He made the air between them go sour after it had been so pleasant. 

“I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m sorry,” He was sincere and sweet and it made Taekwoon’s heart pang even worse. He shook his head, now noticing how every hair moved on his head, touched the skin of his face. He brushed it away quickly. 

“It’s fine.” He gulped, gathering himself. He turned the opposite direction, towards the path they had already walked. Wonshik followed behind him obediently when he began to walk back towards the car.

* * *

“So,” Taekwoon said with a sharp intake of air, putting on his seatbelt, “Where do _you_ live?” He tried his best to ignore how he still felt his skin crawling, Wonshik looked so guilty it made him feel worse. He looked like a scolded dog, hunched over and eyes just begging for you to hold him and tell him he’s a good boy… . Maybe that example was a little too apt. Wonshik told him his address. Taekwoon vaguely remembered it as close to a laundromat. Same street most likely. 

“I can give you directions, if you like,” he offered. Taekwoon nodded, pulling out of his parking spot. 

“Please.” He wanted to say more, that the silence was suffocating, that he was sorry, that it entirely had nothing to do with him. He just turned on his blinker and followed Wonshik’s instructions instead.

“We’ll be going down this road for awhile.” Taekwoon nodded, trying to adjust his posture so he didn’t seem so tiny. He wasn’t even short, but being around other men always made him feel so small. Boyish. Maybe that’s why he only stuck around Hakyeon and Jaehwan. He didn’t feel as inadequate, or his flaws didn’t jump out as much, or _something._

“How do you- how do you play competitive frisbee?” He blurted out, the first benign thing he could pick out of his recent memories. He felt Wonshik look at him for a second. Maybe Wonshik thought he was joking, asking that. Taekwoon kept his eyes resolutely on the road.

“Well, it’s a lot like basketball.”

“Yeah?”

“You have two teams on opposite sides of the field. One team gets the disc and they have to pass it to their teammates to get to the other side and score. Defense guards offence and tries to intercept tosses. It’s low contact though, so if you touch, the disc is given to the other team.”

“A lot like football too then… .” Wonshik tilted his head. 

“Did you play?” Taekwoon licked his lip, nodding once. He remembered his mother tying up his hair when he was a little girl, busting his knees on the grass, feeling something that at the time had no name to him when he received equipment in garish colors. His older sisters sometimes playing with him. He did play. He learned almost every single thing about it as a kind of obsession. The joy of the sport was put out like a wet towel to a flame once puberty hit. A lot changed for him at that time, he considered. 

“Yeah, when I was little. I wanted to be a famous player when I was a kid. I stopped playing after a while.”

“What happened?” It was such an innocent question. “If you don’t mind sparring that idiosyncrasy.”Taekwoon chuckled to himself, shaking his head softly. 

“You actually listened to me saying that?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Taekwoon… didn’t know what to say to that. He made a good point. Taekwoon just didn’t expect it, didn’t expect his thoughts and concerns to be considered or heard. He was such a quiet person after all. 

“Touche, I suppose. And I sprained my ankle, then made it worse because I was twelve and refused to restrict any of the pubescent energy or angst.” Wonshik laughed, loud and almost barking. His laugh was so attention grabbing, infectious. Taekwoon couldn’t help smiling to himself as well, despite the overwhelming wrongness he felt in being physically present. 

“We all had that age- take a right up here. My puberty was awful, I’m shocked Hongbin didn’t kill me. He’s the best friend from ultimate that I mentioned.”

“I was always sad, or angry. I feel bad for everyone that had to deal with me back then.” Taekwoon wasn’t speaking about his first puberty anymore. His second one came at probably the worst time, even though he chose it. He left home for college, he was in insane classes, he was struggling to eat and have the hormones at all and pay the bills and… it was tough. He was with Jaehwan at the time, and he to this day still felt bad with all the turmoil Jaehwan had to comfort him through. He was a great partner that way. They were good for eachother. It’s probably why they were still friends. 

“Well, I can't account for before, but I can say that I think you turned out pretty awesome.” Wonshik reached over with a gentle hand, patting Taekwoon’s shoulder. It felt intentionally chaste this time. “You make all this amazing stuff and you’re all cool and mature and intellectual.” His hand retreated so he could fold his arms, chuckling to himself. “I must look like a dork with you. Left.” Taekwoon took a breath as he turned the steering wheel.

“Well, you aren’t a dork, just dorky.” Wonshik whined.

“How mean! And here I was buttering you up,” He complained in an intentionally childish manner. They both had a giggle at it. Taekwoon was reminded why he enjoyed himself so much so far. Wonshik understood his affection, or at least played along with it. He felt like they had been friends for a long time, not just a few hours. He was wary at first, but he warmed up to Wonshik, and now he didn’t want to leave.

* * *

“This is my street. Last house on the right,” Wonshik explained, cutting through the comfortable silence that had fallen for the past few minutes. Taekwoon’s heart suddenly started racing under his ribs. He adjusted his hands on the steering wheel. He had to tell him. He had to, there was no way around it. He deserved to know and there was no way Taekwoon could go on a second, or a third, or a million more dates without telling him. He drove intentionally slow up the street. 

“I had a really nice time,” He managed, trying not to seem like a sudden nervous wreck. Wonshik nodded and looked right at him, smiling in that cute lopsided way. 

“So did I!” His smile faltered a little as Taekwoon just nodded, still staring firmly ahead. “Don’t tell me that was gonna have a ‘but’ after it.” 

“No ‘but’. I just had a good time.” Taekwoon regrettably pulled into the driveway. God he was shaking. He kept repeating what he wanted to say in his head, reciting it like lines before going onto the stage. Jesus Christ , he was shaking already. At least they were at his place rather than Taekwoon’s. If Wonshik got upset he could just storm into his own house rather than an awkward drive home, or waiting out in Taekwoon’s lawn for a lift. Also, if he got _really_ angry, which Taekwoon prayed he was correct in thinking he wasn’t the type, he wouldn’t know where he lives and be able to hunt him down. Taekwoon frowned, scolding himself for spiraling from reasonable anxiety to full blown dread over hypothetically getting murdered.Wonshik undid his seat belt. Now he was fully turned to face Taekwoon. 

“So, it's totally cool if you don’t or if you think this sounds too fast or clingy, but I- well like I said I had a great time too. I think you’re super cool and I’d like to see you more. So, uh, if you’d like, I’d like to go on another date with you. It's totally your call though!” He sounded so adorably nervous, his smile faltering as Taekwoon sat silently. 

“I have something I should tell you.”

“You don’t have to give me an excuse if you want to say no, I under-”

“Please,” Taekwoon interrupted, “just let me get this out otherwise I’ll never be able to.” Taekwoon could probably burn a hole into the steering wheel with how he was looking at it. Wonshik gulped and nodded softly, moving back in his seat. He was sitting on his hands again. Taekwoon sighed, resting his forehead on the steering wheel. Just rip off the bandaid. 

“I’m trans,” he blurted out, point blank, no sugar coating. “I’m trans masc. I started transitioning in college and I’ve been on T for years. I understand if that makes you uncomfortable or you don’t like a guy with the right ‘parts’, but I had to tell you.” He rubbed his hands over his face. He felt like he was gonna have heart failure any moment it was beating so fast. He wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. “I had to tell you because I like you and I had a really good time and I'd rather you break my heart now not liking me than later. I wouldn’t be able to take it if I tell you later on and you leave me in the dust for it. So,” Taekwoon gestured sharply with his hands, gesturing outwards before clapping them loudly on the wheel, “there you go. I’m sorry I didn't put it on my profile or something but… I just wanted to have a normal date. I just wanted to be a normal guy on a normal date with some stranger way out of my league.” There was a solid minute of silence, featuring Taekwoon having the growing urge to bash his head into the console. Wonshik shifted in his seat. A part of Taekwoon died inside at his nervous chuckle. 

“Okay, I-uhm, I really didn’t expect this.” He laughed, mostly to himself, rubbing the nape of his neck. “But, yeah, me too.”

“What?”

“Yeah! I’m trans too. Wait, hold on.” Taekwoon stared as Wonshik pulled the front of his shirt from where it was tucked. He lifted it up to show one side of his chest. Taekwoon blinked at a clean, faded scar right under Wonshik’s pectoral. “This is amazing, oh my god.” Wonshik laughed to himself. “I literally had no idea. I totally thought I was going to have to freak out later about telling you.” He dropped his shirt, smiling at the shellshocked Taekwoon. “I was literally texting Hongbin like all day before I got to you cause I was worried you’d be another one of those shitty cis guys, no offense.”

“None taken…”

“Like I didn’t think you’d be a dick like that, but y’know, you make yourself believe that you’re just gonna automatically get rejected cause you’re not a ‘real guy’ or some bullshit. I totally understand not putting it in your profile.” Taekwoon blinked. Then stared at him. Then blinked again for good measure. Taekwoon had been worried for nothing. Not only had Wonshik been just as sweet and positive as he had been the whole time, but he was worried about the _exact same thing_ as Taekwoon was. Taekwoon licked his lips, taking a breath. 

“Can I just..” Taekwoon reached out his hands, like he was going to cup Wonshik’s cheeks, “can I just kiss you?” Wonshik’s eyebrows lifted in surprise, eyes widening a little. They then darted down quickly, chuckling shyly.

“Uh, sure. Yeah. Please do.” Taekwoon held his face in both hands, pulling him in for a kiss. Taekwoon’s racing heart had a happier purpose to beat now.

“I guess since we’re exposing ourselves now,” Wonshik mumbled, their foreheads pressed together and lips buzzing from the feeling of their kisses, “I should probably correct the story I told earlier.”

“Hm?”

“He actually told me he realized he was gay from trying to kiss my past butch ass.” Taekwoon snorted, shoulders shaking with laughter. Wonshik laughed with him.

“Did he really?” 

“Yeah! Now he and my other friend are engaged.” Taekwoon pulled away, looking at the face he held in his hands. Wonshik was so undeniably cute. 

“Well, I can promise you that I very much want to kiss you, and I will try not to almost throw up on you.” Wonshik laughed again, that big loud one that filled Taekwoon’s whole car. He held Taekwoon’s hands on his cheeks. 

“I’m glad.” 

**Author's Note:**

> contact Info:  
> [Tumblr](https://minoru-hayashi.tumblr.com)  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/russ__Ant)  
> [DA](https://www.deviantart.com/rus-ant)  
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/russAntri)  
> 


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